Sunday, October 12, 2014

Really this is the last.

The previous post was supposed to be the last. But I was so angsty today that I had to write about it.

So yes. I'm writing new somewhere else.

So much for calling it quits.

The last post.

In the end, no fuss, no fancy pictures, just words.

A little short of 2 months from 9 years of blogging here. From that first few posts back on December 18th 2005, till post number 1197 here, I had wanted to wind this down with post 1200. But heck I will wait no more.

Recounting the posts of these years, there have been positive, but mostly negativities.

I have grown and learnt from some events, and yet I have not in others.

I never quite fulfil the RWD title that I named this place. Always seemed to be held back by imagined heavy chains on me, and some mental wall that I never quite broken it down.

What exactly is holding me back?

When I retired the black book of intense negativity to its current place on the top of my cupboard, I never looked back at it once since then. So for this place here, I hope it will be the same. I will not delete this place. It holds a lot of stuff which I can look back at, and some which I cannot even recall writing about.

I may write somewhere else, I may not.

Perhaps one day I may revisit this again. One day when I met my destiny.

There are things that I should have done but never did.
Things I could have done but chose not to.
Things which I should not have done but carried out anyway.
Things that didn't have to happen but I let it.

I've hurt a few, disappointed some, and being unfair to others that had their presence here.

I'm not perfect, and the more I strived to be, the more I realised how flawed a person I am.

Looking back at the posts, randomly selecting some archives, I came across this quote that I posted. It reads: You can always retake your exams. But life, you only have 1 shot at it. The higher powers are trying to tell me something here. So apt under current circumstances, and what I fool I am.

I started clearing up the deadwood in my life; by taking charge of my finance more closely and closed down inactive banking accounts; and just on Thursday my shoes gave way signalling it is time for a new change. Changes.

My life should have ended back in 2008. Yet it continued in limbo till now. If I'm fortunate enough to live till 60, half of it had gone by in the blink.

There are more important things to start doing. Now.

Friday, October 10, 2014

All about that fucking dog. That fucking dog.

I go out, and out till late you comment that I have a overly rich social life.

I stay at home, in my room doing my own stuff you comment that all I need is a room to lock myself in. And what difference does it make if I were to do my stuff in the living room or in my room? I still listen to the many issues that you've repeated umpteen times over.

I don't play with Bobbi because I never wanted him and my interest doesn't lie in playing with a pet you say I don't care about anything, i don't help you out. And many times when I do I end up stroking him instead. You said my games with him weren't interesting, that is because I  never had a personal interest in him. And most of the time he tend to only choose to play with you.

Today this moment you can be telling me A, the next moment -A; or B tomorrow which is complementary to A; or C which contradicts B entirely.

It is very tiring keeping up with you. And if you think you're undergoing through a lot of stress, you are also driving me nuts. The cow horn and contradictions that you sometimes put yourself through, I don't know. You deserve it? And you tell me I'm heartless, cruel and unforgiving? I merely always tell you what I would have done in your place from the beginning.

When he doesn't want to eat and resulting in his upset stomach, and he goes round sticking onto you for attention, you get annoyed. A vicious cycle you say if we let him starve on purpose.

When he pees all over the house because he was lacking attention and because we weren't home, you get angsty over the work you gotta do after we come back. So more often than not you chose not to go out altogether if you can.

You insist that somebody be with him at all time, you know how ridonkculous it is? How many people are with pets and they go about their own life? And if I say I'll be out, you get all sacarstic about it.

The issues are endless.

Tell the woman from the beginning and stand firm that you didn't want it! Geez. I was adamant about it and you say you can't bring yourself to abandon him.

So now you leave with it. And don't make yourself look like the victim here. You had the chance to avoid all this and you didn't take it.

So Bobbi if you think you're all poor thing and stuff being bought by an owner who eventually gave you up for adoption, we are also equally in a dire state here. We didn't choose to bring you in. All because of some bitch's unilateral decision to, and her high and mighty proclamation that if we didn't want you she will look after you.

See what happened? Now whenever the issue of you is being brought up she will avoid it like a plague. Fucking ass that I have for an aunt. And don't get started on her other grosses.

You said you're tied down by the dog, I say you chose to be tied down because you cannot bring yourself to be cruel and heartless. I don't know what to say. You chose your own suffering.

I'm really tired of all these. Really. Tired.

Why an I even here? Maybe it should have ended back in 2008

Wednesday, October 08, 2014

1st of the 9th

Giving up things is different from losing things.
Sometimes you have to give up some in order not to lose the bigger stuff.
What is important? More important? Most important?
What are the priorities?
What is it that you really want?
What is it that you want now? Near future? Long future?

Thing is, I want you, and I want me.

Most importantly, 当你午夜梦回时, what is it that you don't want to be caught crying over?

I think I've figured it out.
And there is only one way to go about doing it.
Because losing the right things can be so painful.
So painful.

Monday, September 08, 2014

Keeping quiet doesn't mean I agree with whatever criticisms that are thrown my way. I simply cannot be bothered to get into another quarrel or argument with you in your current state of mind. Geez.

Sometimes you just look back at the stuff you have been saying, and then you will realise what a big irony you've been. Bounded and unable to let go of the very things that you claimed bound you.

And whatever that you've deemed that I find unimportant, only because those are the very things that I've seen all my life growing up. They were what that had been passed onto me.

And the resentment that you have, only you can rid them.
Same shit different day. Aiyo, goodness me.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Sometimes you get all the bad things thrown at you when they aren't even half your fault, and you are left reeling and piecing the bits afterwards nonetheless.

One repair done another to go.

After. Gonna cuss this for the last time; wouldn't have happen if I was around then. Ok move on, I won't mention this again. 
Perhaps I shouldn't be thinking of cycling anytime soon on the road. Not especially after dreaming of a car accident. Jeez.

Onto a pretty thankless work that needed to be done, when this shouldn't have happened in the first place. Oh well.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Welcome... to Jurassic Park

Have this urge to clean up the cleats, find or get a roadie, and ride away. 

In the meantime, in memory of Mr Jurassic Park, 

Welcome... to Jurassic Park. 
Every time a part of the leg recover, another will ache or gives a different problem. Le sigh.

Undeserving perhaps, of a many things.

Monday, August 18, 2014

The price of friendship

How much is a friend worth?